Beautiful Book, Ugly Stories

We know and believe that…

All Scripture is inspired by God and is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work.

2 Timothy 3:16–17

There are good works God has prepared for us, and he’s given us everything we need to do them in His Word… in all of it.

If you’ve ever read the Bible from cover to cover, you know that it’s a wonderful, complex, glorious and gory, confounding, beautiful story with some really ugly scenes.

2 Samuel 13 may be at the top of that list. But it’s there for us, to shape how we think and how we act; and if we skip the hard parts, we’re in grave danger of being utterly ill-equipped for living as God’s people in the world. So let’s dive in.

The Story

The Characters

Amnon ・ “faithful”, son of David & Ahinoam, firstborn

Jonadab ・ David’s nephew, kid’s first cousin

Tamar ・ “palm tree”, daughter of David & Maacah

Absalom ・ “son of peace”, son of David & Maacah, second in line

The Text

Some time passed. David’s son Absalom had a beautiful sister named Tamar, and David’s son Amnon was infatuated with her. Amnon was frustrated to the point of making himself sick over his sister Tamar because she was a virgin, but it seemed impossible to do anything to her.

5Jonadab said to him, “Lie down on your bed and pretend you’re sick. When your father comes to see you, say to him, ‘Please let my sister Tamar come and give me something to eat. Let her prepare a meal in my presence so I can watch and eat from her hand.’”

Then Tamar went to his house while Amnon was lying down. She took dough, kneaded it, made cakes in his presence, and baked them. She brought the pan and set it down in front of him, but he refused to eat. Amnon said, “Everyone leave me!” And everyone left him. “Bring the meal to the bedroom,” Amnon told Tamar, “so I can eat from your hand.” Tamar took the cakes she had made and went to her brother Amnon’s bedroom. When she brought them to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, “Come sleep with me, my sister!”

“Don’t, my brother!” she cried. “Don’t disgrace me, for such a thing should never be done in Israel. Don’t commit this outrage! Where could I ever go with my humiliation? And you — you would be like one of the outrageous fools in Israel! Please, speak to the king, for he won’t keep me from you.” But he refused to listen to her, and because he was stronger than she was, he disgraced her by raping her.

So Amnon hated Tamar with such intensity that the hatred he hated her with was greater than the love he had loved her with. “Get out of here!” he said.

“No,” she cried, “sending me away is much worse than the great wrong you’ve already done to me!”

But he refused to listen to her. Instead, he called to the servant who waited on him, “Get this away from me, throw her out, and bolt the door behind her!” Amnon’s servant threw her out and bolted the door behind her. Now Tamar was wearing a long-sleeved robe, because this is what the king’s virgin daughters wore. Tamar put ashes on her head and tore the long-sleeved robe she was wearing. She put her hand on her head and went away crying out.

Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has your brother Amnon been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister. He is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.” So Tamar lived as a desolate woman in the house of her brother Absalom.

When King David heard about all these things, he was furious. Absalom didn’t say anything to Amnon, either good or bad, because he hated Amnon since he disgraced his sister Tamar.

2 Samuel 13

Why the Story?

So if that’s true, then the obvious question is, where’s the profit in this story for us? Why is this story in the Bible?!

Now these things took place as examples for us, so that we will not desire evil things as they did… Let us not commit sexual immorality as some of them did… These things happened to them as examples, and they were written for our instruction, on whom the ends of the ages have come.

So, whoever thinks he stands must be careful not to fall. No temptation has come upon you except what is common to humanity. But God is faithful; he will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to bear it.

1 Corinthians 10:6–13

This is why I believe expositional preaching straight through books of the Bible is the best way to make sure we’re covering it all. Because without a plan and left to my own devices, there’s never going to be a Mon/Tue where I think to myself, “I know, let’s talk about rape, murder, and sexual abuse this Sunday!” But it’s an important topic that needs to be dealt with, because…

1. There’s sin in the house of the King.

Both then and now.

Of all the places for this to happen, King David’s own house, in his family, among his children? You mean the after God’s own heart?!

How many times have you heard, “You always hear of things like this happening, but I never thought it would happen here; I never thought it would happen to us.”

In once sense, we should always be shocked at this horror,
but on the other hand, we shouldn’t be surprised.

Just a few weeks ago in C11, we talked about how “the seed of every sin lies within every heart.”

• SBC life, list of 700+ sexual predator pastors, while denying that such a list is practical.
• Churches are mostly easy targets.
  • I’ve never been to a church that had enough children’s workers.

Jesus told his disciples that he was sending them out as sheep among wolves. Nothing a wolf loves more than a lamb dinner.

1. There’s sin in the house of the King.

2. There’s a distinctive danger of sexual sin.

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God?

1 Corinthians 6:18–20, NLT

There’s something different/unique about sexual sin. More than any other part of human life, sex is about bodies, two bodies, both made to be temples of the HS, becoming one. And that gives it this added magnitude in both directions.

When this gift is used within the parameters of the way God designed it—within the covenant of God-honoring, Jesus and the Church representing, other-honoring, steadfast, lifelong, love—then it serves the purpose of giving new life to that love, and also occasionally literally bringing new life into the universe, producing new little temples, multiplying the worship of God.

However, as we saw early on in the story of 1 Samuel, when you use the temple of God as an opportunity for sin, for selfishness, to get what you want without any concern for anyone else, that sin takes on a unique kind of sinister character to it.

Here in 1 Corinthians 6, the Holy Spirit (via Paul) is warning about sin that you would commit, but I don’t think it’s a stretch at all to apply the same logical argument to sin committed against another person. Because “no other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does.” is clearly true if you’re talking about the other person’s temple as well.

And that takes the evil of it to a whole other level. Combine that with the fact that the victim is an image-bearer of God, and it’s not just sin, it’s blasphemy.

Sexual assault is not just a criminal, physical, and psychological act; it is also a spiritual act in which the connectedness of humans with one another and with God is violated and broken, and the reality of defilement, guilt, terror, shame, alienation, and separation can take years to be made whole again.

Justin Holcomb, Rid of My Disgrace

SA is a massive violation of the physical, psychological, and personal boundaries of another person.

And not that we need this to believe it, but research bears this out. Victims of SA are…

• 3x depression
• 4x suicide
• 13x alcohol abuse
• 26x drug abuse
• second only to war veterans in PTSD.

It’s effects are devastating.

Justin Holcomb, Rid of My Disgrace:

• denial & minimizing
• distorted self-image, blaming
• shame
• guilt
• anger
• despair

Sexual assault is not just a criminal, physical, and psychological act; it is also a spiritual act in which the connectedness of humans with one another and with God is violated and broken, and the reality of defilement, guilt, terror, shame, alienation, and separation can take years to be made whole again.

Justin Holcomb

Statistics

• 1/4 of women, 1/6 men will be SA in their lifetimes.
• 1/6 women will be raped
• Of female SA victims, only 26% assaulted by stranger.
• Only 36% of rape and 26% of SA are ever reported to police.
• Out of ever 1,000 rapes, 995 will go unpunished.
• Despite what you hear, the rate of false report is the same or lower than other crimes
• Male SA is most likely even more severly underreported.
  • In one study of men w/ documented history of SA, only 16% would admit that it had happened, or that it was assault.

The sad reality is that there’s probably not a single person in here/watching that doesn’t at least have a close family member or friend that has experienced SA.

I did the math, and if the statics hold here, then based on our average attendance, there’s at least 7 women and 2 men here who have firsthand experience with sexual assault. You are not alone.

Tamar has become a person who has experienced loss of control over her body, over her life, and over her dignity.

1. There’s sin in the house of the King.
2. There’s a distinctive danger of sexual sin.

3. There’s a right and wrong way to address it.

Unfortunately, 2 Samuel 13 is chock full of examples of how not to handle sexual abuse when it comes. But they’re there to serve as examples to us, so let’s use them that way.

A. Out in the Open (unlike Absalom)

Besides what the text says, just the fact that it exists teaches us something about the way we should approach this subject. No beating around the bush, no whispers, no shying away from the truth. “He raped her.”

And then you see the terrible example of Absalom:

Her brother Absalom said to her, “Has your brother Amnon been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister. He is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.”

2 Samuel 13:20

“Be quiet, he’s your brother. This is a family matter, no need to involve anyone else. Pray for them and forgive as God forgives.”

If sexual assault is not defined, named, or described, then it remains hidden. Telling the truth is the first step toward healing. Denial only fuels the myth that time heals all wounds. But memory knows no time.

Justin Holcomb, Rid of My Disgrace

God calls his people to pursue justice, not defend his reputation by covering up evil.

B. Without blaming the victim (unlike Amnon)

Amnon’s reaction, the moment he finished using Tamar, was to turn on her, tell her to get out, and bolt the door, as if she were the one that had made a move on him.

If someone has been sexually abused by another person, what they were wearing, how they acted beforehand has no bearing on what happened. They’ve been sinned against in one of the most painful, damaging ways possible, and they’re most likely already blaming themselves. Ever since they’ve been wondering if they could have done something more/different. They don’t need any extra help with that.

Part of the reason SA is so underreported is “no one will believe me.” And while, just to be clear, you should always report it, we’ll get to that in a minute, who can blame them—in a lot of cases, for a lot of people, they’re exactly right, and that’s wrong.

The refusals of others to speak about sexual assault and listen to victims tell the truth is a refusal to offer grace and healing.

Justin Holcomb, Rid of My Disgrace

Under the law

Christians are called to obey the law, and that includes
reporting it when you know that a crime has been committed.

Let everyone submit to the governing authorities, since there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are instituted by God… For it is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, because it does not carry the sword for no reason. For it is God’s servant, an avenger that brings wrath on the one who does wrong.

Romans 13:1-5

Don’t take matters into your own hands, as we’ll see Absalom does in the second half of this chapter. Leave them to God’s judgment, yes… but the verses we just read says that the law, the police, the judicial system, the prison system, they’re all God’s servants in society, his primary means (in this life, at least) of bringing his wrath to bear on those who do wrong.

Conclusion

Am I Amnon?

An Amnon abuses his power to prey on the weak and then conceal the evil.

• Do I use my power to serve or exploit?
• Do I consider what I can do “to” people or “for” them?
• Have I allowed the projection of “Faithfulness” to be detached from the reality
• Is my reputation more like whitewash for uncleanness beneath?
• Who gets to see past the outward layer to shine that light?
• If I’ve done wrong, do I come clean or cover up?
• Do my sins drive me to the light or further into darkness?

Am I Jonadab?

A Jonadab excuses and enables the evils of an Amnon through strategies and “greater good” rationalizations.

• Do I believe in someone’s position and potential so much that I bend the rules or turn a blind eye?
• Is my loyalty to “an important man doing an important work,” or to victims?
• Is my instinct to protect the brand or shepherd the flock?
• Do I value my tribe more than the truth?

Am I Absalom?

An Absalom seeks to minimize and manage the problems “in house” without bringing them into the light.

• Do I prioritize “peace and quiet” over a biblical peace
  that may disrupt the status quo?
• Am I minimizing the evils perpetrated for the sake of a quiet life?
• Am I seeking to resolve issues in the light, or manipulate them under cover of darkness?
• Do I take matters into my own hands, or will I allow the light to shine from outside?

Am I David?

A David may make a show of outrage but ultimately neglects his responsibilities and remains passive.

• Am I failing to confront people and grievances when action is required?
• Am I letting fears of inadequacy or accusations of hypocrisy prevent me from addressing evil?

Am I Tamar?

May sound like a silly question, someone would surely know if they identified with Tamar in this story, right? It’s not so simple when you’re dealing with trauma of this nature. The mind has a way of blocking out traumatic events like this as a means of self-preservation, only for it to come to light much later in life.

What happened to you was not your fault. You are not to blame. You did not deserve it. You did not ask for this. You should not be silenced. You are not worthless. You do not have to pretend like nothing happened. Nobody had the right to violate you. You are not responsible for what happened to you. You are not damaged goods. You were supposed to be treated with dignity and respect. You were the victim of assault and it was wrong.

Justin Holcomb, Rid of My Disgrace

We don’t know how the story ended with Tamar, but we do know that the story doesn’t end there. When she asked in v13, “Where could I ever go with my humiliation?”, there is an answer: his name in Jesus.

• He too was sent by his Father to a place where he should have been honored and welcomed. It should have been the safest place.
• He too came as a servant and was betrayed by one he came to serve.
• He too was violated, stripped naked, beaten, spat upon, told to be quiet.
• He too was excluded, dehumanized, thrown out like trash, and left to suffer outside the city.

When it comes to being loaded with shame, when you have done nothing wrong, Jesus can say, “Me too.” Jesus Christ came into the world so that your life could be part of a better story, so that the worst thing that happened to you would not become the defining thing in your life. He’s the one who defines life and worth.

He despised the shame, but he took it anyway, for you.