Emotions & Relationship

Naturally go hand-in-hand

Same thing is true for person-to-person relationships.

If you’ve ever been married, you know what I’m talking about here: that time when you’re only interacting with each other in relation to what’s going on in your life, who needs picked up where, what are we having for supper, which kid needs praised and which needs disciplined.

All that stuff is necessary and good, but it’s not enough. When you stop communicating on a deeper level, because of busyness or unresolved conflict/cold shoulder, it’s not enough. Essentially living as roommates.

How often is our relationship with God like that?

Last Week

Every week we’ve been looking back at what Jesus said was the greatest commandment. “Love the Lord with all your heart… and love your neighbor as yourself.”

They’re actually inextricably linked.

Which of these do you find more challenging, to love Jesus or your neighbor? Or how about your family—your closest neighbors?

Conflict is just part of life, whether in a family or in a neighborhood. But it wasn’t always like that…

The Origin of Conflict

There was no conflict in the Garden of Eden.

Immediately after the Fall, one of the things God told Adam and Eve was that there would be conflict between them… and we’re off to the races.

And to bring it back to loving God with our hearts/emotions, when do your emotions run the highest? And when do you find it hardest to handle them in a God-honoring way that says to the people around you that something’s different about you?

Right, when your fighting.

I believe that God wants us to flourish in our relationships, don’t you? If that’s going to happen, then—by His grace and through His Spirit, we’re going to have to learn how to handle our differences and disagreements in a gospel-centered, grace-filled way.

Good News

We are good news people, and we always operate with that fundamental principle. We bring good news into the world and into our relationships.

Tony Merida

That story ends with the first promise of a Son of Eve that would come and crush the Serpent’s head, restore God’s shalom.

But until that Day comes in its fullness, we’re going to deal with conflict in this life. Our relationships aren’t going to be perfect, because we’re not perfect.

It’s very clear that this was a big deal to Jesus.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.

Matthew 5:9

“You have heard that it was said to our ancestors, Do not murder, and whoever murders will be subject to judgment. But I tell you, everyone who is angry with his brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Whoever insults his brother or sister will be subject to the court. Whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be subject to hellfire. So if you are offering your gift on the altar, and there you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled with your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift.”

Matthew 5:21–24

Jesus would rather you get up right now and make that phone call than stay and pretend you’re being obedient. That’s radical.

Clearly being a peacemaker is a big deal to Jesus! This way of life marks the citizens of his kingdom…

Bad News

Is this what churches are known for, handling conflict in such a God-honoring, loving way that people know we are His disciples?

You’re chuckling because the question I just asked is so absurd that it seems like a joke. How sad is that?

We have to accept reality—there will be conflict. What we don’t have to accept is that it has to be handled in an ungodly, destructive manner.

I praise God that our church family isn’t in the middle of some major conflict as I’m preaching this sermon. This is the best time to talk about it, before it happens… because it’s gonna happen. And when it does, our expectation is that as bro/sis, filled with the Spirit, we will handle it biblically and gracefully.

Who among you is wise and understanding? By his good conduct he should show that his works are done in the gentleness that comes from wisdom. But if you have bitter envy and selfish ambition in your heart, don’t boast and deny the truth. Such wisdom does not come down from above but is earthly, unspiritual, demonic. For where there is envy and selfish ambition, there is disorder and every evil practice. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peace-loving, gentle, compliant, full of mercy and good fruits, unwavering, without pretense. And the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who cultivate peace.

What is the source of wars and fights among you? Don’t they come from your passions that wage war within you? You desire and do not have. You murder and covet and cannot obtain. You fight and wage war. You do not have because you do not ask.

James 3:13–4:3

Let’s go back to those last two verses again…

Cravings Underlie Conflicts

Super important to recognize.

I have yet to meet a couple locked in hostility (and the accompanying fear, self-pity, hurt, self-righteousness) who really understood and reckoned with their motivations. James teaches that cravings underlie conflicts. Why do you fight? It’s not “because my wife/husband…”—it’s because of something about you. Couples who see what rules them—cravings for affection, attention, power, vindication, control, comfort, a hassle-free life—can repent and find God’s grace made real to them, and then learn how to make peace.

David Powlison

…the internal war waging within a Christian eventually leads him to wage external war with others in efforts to satisfy his craving.

In short, troubled people trouble people. Their internal unrest comes out on others, and creates unrest in their relationships. In the end, your relationships are usually in turmoil because you are in turmoil.

My life, at home, with kids. Convicted.

Our cravings for a hassle-free life, for well-behaved kids, for worldly success, for comfort and rest, go unmet, and we get angry about it.

You’re worse than you thought.

Geeze, talking about us being sinners again?

Why do you look at the splinter in your brother’s eye but don’t notice the beam of wood in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the splinter out of your eye,’ and look, there’s a beam of wood in your own eye? Hypocrite! First take the beam of wood out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to take the splinter out of your brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:3–5

How much less strife would there be if both parties went into it with the assumption, “Yeah, it’s probably me.”

“Sure, I can own up to about 10 percent of this conflict, but they are most certainly creating 90 percent of it!”

Around 1900, the London Times ran a series of articles titled “What is Wrong with the World?” where they asked famous authors & thought leaders to answer.

G.K. Chesterton responded simply, “Dear Sir,

I am.

Yours truly,
G.K. Chesterton.”

Jesus flips this assumption around by telling us that most of the time, we are the major contributor to the problem!

This saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance: “Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners”— and I am the worst of them.

1 Timothy 1:15

The “hypocrite” is… consumed with pride and self-deception. He is blind to his own sin but keenly aware of the faults of others. He is devoted to inspection without introspection, careful examination of others without any sincere evaluation of himself.

How to be a Peacemaker

Me First

Is there a log in my own eye?

Minor

Can I overlook this offense?

Good sense makes one slow to anger,
and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 19:11, ESV

Major

Does this offense require the process of restoration?

Material

Does this offense require restitution regarding property, money, other rights?

Mediation

Does this offense call for another party to assist in peacemaking?

This is spiritual warfare

Have you ever considered the fact that there is spiritual warfare involved in your relationships?

There is hope!

The God of peace will soon crush
Satan under your feet.

Romans 16:20

Christians have a unique relationship with God because of the reconciling work of Jesus, as we are made sons and daughters of God now. And God calls his sons and daughters peacemakers.

Jesus, the Prince of Peace, has brought us peace with God. He has called us to be peacemakers now. And we do this work by God’s grace until Jesus makes all things new, ushering in total shalom, where the lion will dwell with the lamb in perfect harmony. Let’s seek to “bring this future into the present” as we pursue peace in our relationships to the glory of God. Let’s show the world what kind of King we have and what kind of kingdom we belong to.

So then, let us pursue what promotes peace and what builds up one another.

Romans 14:19

He has made us family by adopting us, making us brothers and sisters. Is there anything more miserable than a family that is not getting along?

The real question to ask in every situation, every conflict: Is He Worthy?